So, today is going to be less update and more topic-focused. It is the age-old debate applying to coupleship, as well as the commitment of marriage: which is better? To be right in the relationship OR to be happy?
Many people might think that the answer is simple between the two, but I think the issue is more than skin-deep. Is there really a correct answer, even? At times, I would agree that to be right is better, and at other time, it is more essential to be happy. Then again, do these two aspects intertwine in importance? If I am right about something in a debate, and am agreed with on the topic, would that not make me happy?
I sifted through a few articles which delved into this topic and it brought up another question for me; what is the definition of "being right" and the definition of "being happy" in a relationship?
For the articles I read, this seems to apply mostly to disagreements in the duration of two partners in their togetherness. It is inevitable that couples argue, though the amount of energy of the relationship dedicated to arguing varies, and can be considered healthy or unhealthy depending on the couple. Rabid arguments every day, or even every week for a couple is often considered detrimental, because there is much animosity exchanged between the two people. Animosity and anger over a long period of time deteriorates the affection and love for each other. Two people who no longer love each other, or are willing to work with each other in the partnership should not be together, because they have no need or desire for the other. Some relationships which have a higher volume of arguments, say on a biweekly basis, are due to the personalities of the participants; for example, if you put two very outspoken people together that are headstrong, they will more likely than not, share their opinions, whether they agree or disagree with the other. That can be fine, as long as the two people are willing to hash it out, and accept the other.
There it is. what I was looking for. two people are willing to hash it out, and accept the other". That is a key in a relationship, compromise. While it is gratifying to be right, sometimes, I think is is more important to be happy, and the ability to find a "happy medium," to a feisty debate contributes to the happiness of the couple. The connotation of happy medium itself implies balance, which is how a couple should be, equal, yet different. Yin and Yang.
When that balance is disturbed, it is time to reevaluate the problem and assess it. In the case of being right and being happy, happiness attributes a lot to the balance, not being correct in an argument. What happens when one person is "right" is that the other person is "wrong." Again, the keyword is balance and this battle to establish ones own view and put down the other's disrupts the equality of the members of a couple, because one needs to be above the other in their views. A prolonged inequality between partners takes away the happiness of at least one of the partners; in some cases, one person become insatiable in their demands of the other, which makes the relationship one-sided: individuality and identity of the giver in the partnership diminishes because they are dedicating more of their energy to the other person, and not fulfilling their own desires. Unfulfilled desires of a person become "naggers," to the giver, and further decreases their personal happiness.
While arguments create a rift between two people, it more often than not, is necessary. A couple who never argues also does not accomplish fixing things. This is called avoidance, where the two people are too afraid to speak against one another which might create an argument. When fear to object to the other is involved, that is unhealthy, it creates stress. Stress that is bottled up creates pressure, and can be harmful for one's health.
I'm going apply the physics of gas properties to create the imagery of unreleased stress. Temperature and pressure are directly proportional:
P ∝ TThink of a glass bottle, with water, and it is sealed with a cap. Now, take this bottle of water, and put a flame under it, increasing the heat. The liquid water begins to evaporate tiny bubbles forming at the bottom of the bottle, condensation from the steam of the water fogging inside the glass. Increase the heat. These tiny bubbles begin to grow, in size, and start rising to the top of the water. Increase the heat. The slight bubbling has turned into boiling, more gas molecules form. Increase the heat. The gas molecules are moving faster in the bottle. Increase the heat. The pressure inside rises; You can hear the sound of the bubbles popping inside the bottle, the gas molecules bouncing against their barriers. Increase the heat. The pressure inside still rising. Increase the heat.The boiling has now become a rumble, rabidly bubbling. Increase the heat, you see the seal of the bottle being pushed from the inside pressure. You want to let it out, but you can't. Increase the heat. The liquid water level is decreasing, but you know the water volume is still the same. Increase the heat. More pressure. Increase the heat. More pressure. Increase the heat, more pressure. And then. you hear a cracking sound, you watch in fearful awe, as the glass tries to relieve the pressure inside, revealing a long, crack, but this isn't enough. Increase the heat. A high-pitch whistling sound is heard and steam is pushing out of this thin crack. Increase the heat. Not enough room to let pressure out safely. Increase the heat. The whistling sound heightens in pitch. Increase the heat. The glass shatters as the bottle explodes violently. You duck, but not quickly enough, and shards of glass lacerate your arms, and any unprotected part of you. Some pieces have embedded themselves under your skin. You feel them press deeper with momentum, yet are unaware of the damage because of the shock. Now, all you have left is a mess to clean up, and the scars of your actions. Nobody wins.
Healthy couples do argue, but while they argue, the partners are trying to find where they can agree, and what they can do for or give to their partner so that both can be happy. Sometimes, that means one person will agree with their partner they they are more correct, or vice versa, and sometimes they will agree...to disagree, and move on. By moving on, they apologize to each other and consider what they do agree on. Of course, these arguments may last for a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days. By the time a few days of passed, many balanced couples have come to one common agreement: they do not like being in discord for an extended period of time.
Couples that are dominated by one person who does not appease their partner on a regular basis to create balance in their commitment to each other, are unhealthy. Joy from the beginning of the relationship is minimal; respect, eroded; love for each other, worn away.
So, every now and then, argue a little bit! Relieve a little stress, you need to. You will feel better. That being said, I do not recommend arguing just for the sake to argue. And after you have released your tension, reexamine what the stress was, and how you can monitor and maintain a safe level. Do not let it build up, please, for your own sake. Find what makes you happy, and establish it. Coupleship involved two people working together and relationships involve compromise, you work together to make each other, and in turn yourself happy. Sometimes you don't need to be right in an argument, sometimes you do. That is okay. Just remember, it is a tit for tat agreement, give what you want to receive; if you want love, give it, if you want affection, give it, if you want understanding, give it. If you only take, without giving, you will never truly be satiated or happy.
Here are the articles I read:
http://healthland.time.com/2013/12/17/extreme-marriage-experiment-suggests-its-better-to-be-right-than-happy/
http://www.relationshipspecialists.com/media/being-right-vs-being-happy/
My opinion? It is not necessarily better for one side or the other, but balancing it.
Until next time,
K
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