4.4.2014- The Unfinished Coffee

I would like to express a pet peeve. It is not something serious and it will not be a complete rant.
One thing that gets under my skin is drink that is left out unfinished, especially if it is a hot drink, like coffee or tea.
While I do believe in the concept of the glass being half full, I also follow the practice of finishing something I have started when it comes to food specifically. I was raised to eat all of the food on my plate. For those who are concerned about my dieting habits as a child, this "finish all your food" concept also taught me not to put too much food on my plate. A good example is when a child goes to the magical funland of a buffet restaurant (my childhood buffet dream world was Ryan's, in Virginia)

I couldn't help but load my plate with all sorts of food: broccoli, corn, cherry tomatoes, cheese, ranch, fried chicken, macaroni, green beans, anything. Of course I wouldn't be able to eat it all, but I still expected to eat ice cream afterwards. Thus, being given this requirement to finish all of my food, I learned to prioritize the foods that I wanted to eat, and how much of those foods I should add to my plate before sitting and beginning my meal. It was a tough, but extremely valuable lesson.
Now, the way I see it, how you drink your coffee can say a lot about you. You may drink that caramel mocha frappacino. Maybe you just want a coffee milkshake?
What about that caramel macchiato? Something sweet and creamy, and fun! A cup of black strong coffee; maybe you are a little bit on the serious side, but also don't take what you think may be extra nonsense.
For me, I love my coffee cold, even in the winter. I always like to change it up: hazelnut, caramel, white chocolate, no flavor shot, cream, milk, soymilk, whipped cream, plain, cortadito, latte, and so on. The point about my coffee, I don't keep to the same because I get bored of the same thing every time. While, of course I know I will like something, I know that there are too many options available for me to ignore.
Sometimes I take my coffee on the go, sometimes I have it and drink it at the coffee shop, reading a book, looking at tumblr posts, reading Buzzfeed or HuffingtonPost. Either way, I am drinking it. I intend to get my full money's worth of the coffee; at my university, I typically shelled out a good $2.39 for (if we're talking about Starbucks iced coffee) or $2.75 for the delectable Pascal's Shakerado (which pairs magnificently with their chocolate chip cookies or Brazilian cheese bread. If you were wandering around, I would also suggest bringing something from Burrito Brothers there, and drink up on the balcony)


A Shakerado with a Chocolate Chip Cookie at Pascal's. (OM NOM NOM)
The way I view coffee is like this: it is meant to perk you up, so enjoy it. What you shouldn't do is completely negate it's value that is has in your life. As a non-routine coffee drinker (I limit myself to 1-2 coffees a week), I try to savor each taste I have. I go to different coffee shops to try their versions of something, attempt more flavors and styles of coffee. It is something that I make sure I enjoy. In fact, coffee time is considered "me time," meaning that I do not focus on anybody but myself and what I need to do for the next hour or so, depending on my schedule. I enjoy that time and that coffee.

(SIDENOTE: My coffee frequency isn't that I have limited access to the cup of energy, I just decided that I didn't need it on a regular basis.)
Others, I have noticed, have a different approach to coffee. One particular subject, my uncle, brought my attention to coffee drinking habits because of the habits he has with his coffee. He regularly drinks about four cups a day, of instant coffee with an Equal sweetener tablet and no milk. It doesn't change. His drinking habit with the coffee, though, is that he doesn't finish it often. In fact, he will drink about half of it, decide to go to the store, and leave out the mug on the counter. Because it is such a foreign idea to not finish a cup of coffee, it sticks into my memory of how my uncle doesn't finish his coffee. This made me think about how he lives his life as well. Honestly, it is not anything I would want to take notes on for the future. The way he runs his life with people is by rushing them at all times; he talks at people, not conversing with them; he shoves his ideas at you, expecting you to completely agree with him and thank him for his genius, even if he didn't ask you your opinion or plans; when it comes to traveling, when he wants to go somewhere, he wants to go NOW, or as soon as possible; if he wants to go to a shopping center, he wants to get there as soon as the place opens so that he can avoid all the people. To me, the way he is living is not for the joy of it, but bustling forward. That is like being served a five star meal ,and not even taking the time to chew the food, tasting it, before gulping it down and cutting the next chunk of meat. While, yes, it does get the job done, there is no enjoyment and critical thinking, or just pondering, involved, and that takes so much of the pleasure out of it.
While it is a minor event in which not much may happen, the way you accept your coffee really does say a lot about not just the person you are, but how you perceive things, and probably what you consider important: time, your personal time, business, socialization, food, energy, etc.

So, the next time you realize that you have a coffee in your hand, please look at your mug and let it know "Hey, I appreciate you." It might just brighten you perspective of your day.

Until next time,
K.

9.3.2014(2557) Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, Who is that? I don't recognize them at all.

Hello, all.
Happy DST (in America)!
So, today and yesterday, I had a thought that has been scratching at my brain, in relation to the title of this post; That, and how it relates to the happiness of a person.
There are a lot of factors that contribute to the overall happiness of a person: things, wealth, stability, social network, living situation, ability to eat, family, gratitude, accomplishments, etc. One of aspects that add to the happiness of a person, in my opinion, is their identity. Who, or what do you see yourself as?

The identity of a person is extremely important, whether a person recognizes the importance or not. When we are infants, we learn to identify who our parents are: by scent, hair style, sound, and touch. Then, we learn to identify and recognize our own reflection in the mirrors, and boy, isn't that a thrill. Later, we learn to identify the difference between things, boys and girls, cats and dogs, food and...not food. Learning to identify self, though, is something that comes later in life to many people. Unfortunately, it doesn't really happen in middle or high school too often, because a lot of us are busy trying to learn to be a part of an entity, taking on the identity of other groups, who are your friends? Are you an athlete or academic? Jock or goth? Metal-head or gangsta? Dancer or part of the debate team?

 Although we haven't yet identified ourselves, we are trying to. We are trying to discover our likes and dislikes, what we're good at and what we're not, who likes us and why. It's kind of tough because everyone is judging everyone else's movements because we are too concerned about others and our peers to try examining who we are just yet. Around the time of college, we are on our path of self-discovery, because we are starting to do things because we want to, not because we need all the credential to get into our ideal undergraduate school. While we are in the fast-lane of self-discovery, I don't think most of us have figured ourselves out just yet. In fact, I think it is after graduating from your undergraduate level that you begin to understand that you don't really know yourself fully, and it's about time to learn. You have the basics, your personality, your education, your family, and your friends... maybe your occupation. Now use those pieces to put together the three-dimensional image that is you. It will probably take years for your first actualization, but then by the time you understand that identity of yourself, you will be changing, constantly changing, for better or for worse. (FYI: If you aren't changing, you aren't growing*)

Now, returning to the topic of self-identity. I think that when you have found your identity, you will be much happier with your life, or you will be on your way to being happier, because you understand where it is that you need to improve. You could be poor and barely have enough money to pay your upcoming rent, but still be happy because you understand who you are and therefore understand what you need and what you want. You could have all the money in the world and live in a large house, have many cars, and be able to afford anything you want, but be utterly miserable.
Anyways, so the reason I bring this up is that I have been thinking about the times that I have been the most unhappy; by unhappy, I do not mean crying in tears, necessarily, but where I cannot seem to smile, no matter how frivolous my environment may be. I tried to remember what was the situation of when I wasn't happy, and for a majority of those 'down' periods, I was in a state of not knowing where I belonged, or if I did. The times I had been most happy was when I was satisfied about who I was with, where I was, and what I was doing, because I knew what I wanted, and I had it.

Knowing who you are, again, is extremely important to your happiness. lack of personal identity leads to not knowing where you belong socially, or who your friends are, and will often give you a sense of unwanted seclusion. If you are at this point in your life, you may have to remove yourself from your situation temporarily to examine yourself, your actions, and what you want, as well as the small things that have brought you any semblance of joy.
I know a few people who aren't happy and the major reason for this is the loss of identity of self. Some just lost knowing who they are, and other are having their individual identity taken away from them. The sad thing is that, in this situation, the person who has lost their individual identity is the one who is also taking away from the other, it seems, so that they are not alone in their lack of knowing who they truly are (or accepting themselves). In fact, they have been trying to pull everyone into this, including me. Unfortunately for them, as well as our relationship, I decided not to give in to the demands of giving up my self or sanity, even with their additional attempts to pull me into their abyss of self-loss. How it affected our relationship? Well, we don't argue, but we rarely speak, which, I would say, is just as bad, if not worse. In fact, they went as far as having other people talk to me for them. So, no, we don't have a bad relationship, we don't have any relationship past what I do for them, and what they do for me.
Now, for other other unhappy person, they are the one having their identity taken away from them. They are no longer their own. They are "So-and-so's something (wife/mother/boss)." I had been there before. I was "Jamie's little sister." Jamie is my older sister, and I don't have a problem with her, but read again what I was referred to or associated as by others. I didn't even have my own name. Not only that, but I belonged to someone else. I didn't learn about this until later, luckily. I also made some lasting marks at my schools, making me recognizable by my name, not who I was related to. Back to the person whose identity has been taken away from them, I noticed that their rights have been minimized, if not taken away, while at home. They do not spend much time outside of work and the seclusion in their home. For me, seclusion is the same as confinement, and confinement is like being imprisoned.

 NOTHANKYOU. Now, when the person doing the taking is gone, what will happen to the person whose identity has not been theirs for some time? Really, they have lived for a long time not being their own, but someone else's, they have adjusted to it, happy or not (the latter), and now they do not have this vacuum present to continue taking from them. It may take some adjustment, but maybe they will be okay, maybe not. I wish them the best.
Now, when I move out, things will change for me, and they will return to the same as before I came for those I lived with. This isn't technically better for them, but it will be familiar. For me, it will be better, because I will be able to re-establish my sense of self, and return to the things that made me consistently happy and happiness is my overall goal in life.

Until next time,
K.

27-12-2013 Holiday Spirit: To be right or to be happy?

Hello, all!
So, today is going to be less update and more topic-focused. It is the age-old debate applying to coupleship, as well as the commitment of marriage: which is better? To be right in the relationship OR to be happy?

Many people might think that the answer is simple between the two, but I think the issue is more than skin-deep. Is there really a correct answer, even? At times, I would agree that to be right is better, and at other time, it is more essential to be happy. Then again, do these two aspects intertwine in importance? If I am right about something in a debate, and am agreed with on the topic, would that not make me happy?
I sifted through a few articles which delved into this topic and it brought up another question for me; what is the definition of "being right" and the definition of "being happy" in a relationship?

For the articles I read, this seems to apply mostly to disagreements in the duration of two partners in their togetherness. It is inevitable that couples argue, though the amount of energy of the relationship dedicated to arguing varies, and can be considered healthy or unhealthy depending on the couple. Rabid arguments every day, or even every week for a couple is often considered detrimental, because there is much animosity exchanged between the two people. Animosity and anger over a long period of time deteriorates the affection and love for each other. Two people who no longer love each other, or are willing to work with each other in the partnership should not be together, because they have no need or desire for the other. Some relationships which have a higher volume of arguments, say on a biweekly basis, are due to the personalities of the participants; for example, if you put two very outspoken people together that are headstrong, they will more likely than not, share their opinions, whether they agree or disagree with the other. That can be fine, as long as the two people are willing to hash it out, and accept the other.

There it is. what I was looking for. two people are willing to hash it out, and accept the other". That is a key in a relationship, compromise. While it is gratifying to be right, sometimes, I think is is more important to be happy, and the ability to find a "happy medium," to a feisty debate contributes to the happiness of the couple. The connotation of happy medium itself implies balance, which is how a couple should be, equal, yet different. Yin and Yang.
When that balance is disturbed, it is time to reevaluate the problem and assess it. In the case of being right and being happy, happiness attributes a lot to the balance, not being correct in an argument. What happens when one person is "right" is that the other person is "wrong." Again, the keyword is balance and this battle to establish ones own view and put down the other's disrupts the equality of the members of a couple, because one needs to be above the other in their views. A prolonged inequality between partners takes away the happiness of at least one of the partners; in some cases, one person become insatiable in their demands of the other, which makes the relationship one-sided: individuality and identity of the giver in the partnership diminishes because they are dedicating more of their energy to the other person, and not fulfilling their own desires. Unfulfilled desires of a person become "naggers," to the giver, and further decreases their personal happiness.
While arguments create a rift between two people, it more often than not, is necessary. A couple who never argues also does not accomplish fixing things. This is called avoidance, where the two people are too afraid to speak against one another which might create an argument. When fear to object to the other is involved, that is unhealthy, it creates stress. Stress that is bottled up creates pressure, and can be harmful for one's health.
 I'm going apply the physics of gas properties to create the imagery of unreleased stress. Temperature and pressure are directly proportional:

P ∝ T

Think of a glass bottle, with water, and it is sealed with a cap. Now, take this bottle of water, and put a flame under it, increasing the heat. The liquid water begins to evaporate tiny bubbles forming at the bottom of the bottle, condensation from the steam of the water fogging inside the glass. Increase the heat. These tiny bubbles begin to grow, in size, and start rising to the top of the water. Increase the heat. The slight bubbling has turned into boiling, more gas molecules form. Increase the heat. The gas molecules are moving faster in the bottle. Increase the heat. The pressure inside rises; You can hear the sound of the bubbles popping inside the bottle, the gas molecules bouncing against their barriers. Increase the heat. The pressure inside still rising. Increase the heat.The boiling has now become a rumble, rabidly bubbling. Increase the heat, you see the seal of the bottle being pushed from the inside pressure. You want to let it out, but you can't. Increase the heat. The liquid water level is decreasing, but you know the water volume is still the same. Increase the heat. More pressure. Increase the heat. More pressure. Increase the heat, more pressure. And then. you hear a cracking sound, you watch in fearful awe, as the glass tries to relieve the pressure inside, revealing a long, crack, but this isn't enough. Increase the heat. A high-pitch whistling sound is heard and steam is pushing out of this thin crack. Increase the heat. Not enough room to let pressure out safely. Increase the heat. The whistling sound heightens in pitch. Increase the heat. The glass shatters as the bottle explodes violently. You duck, but not quickly enough, and shards of glass lacerate your arms, and any unprotected part of you. Some pieces have embedded themselves under your skin. You feel them press deeper with momentum, yet are unaware of the damage because of the shock. Now, all you have left is a mess to clean up, and the scars of your actions. Nobody wins.
Healthy couples do argue, but while they argue, the partners are trying to find where they can agree, and what they can do for or give to their partner so that both can be happy. Sometimes, that means one person will agree with their partner they they are more correct, or vice versa, and sometimes they will agree...to disagree, and move on. By moving on, they apologize to each other and consider what they do agree on. Of course, these arguments may last for a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days. By the time a few days of passed, many balanced couples have come to one common agreement: they do not like being in discord for an extended period of time.
Couples that are dominated by one person who does not appease their partner on a regular basis to create balance in their commitment to each other, are unhealthy. Joy from the beginning of the relationship is minimal; respect, eroded; love for each other, worn away.

So, every now and then, argue a little bit! Relieve a little stress, you need to. You will feel better. That being said, I do not recommend arguing just for the sake to argue. And after you have released your tension, reexamine what the stress was, and how you can monitor and maintain a safe level. Do not let it build up, please, for your own sake. Find what makes you happy, and establish it. Coupleship involved two people working together and relationships involve compromise, you work together to make each other, and in turn yourself happy. Sometimes you don't need to be right in an argument, sometimes you do. That is okay. Just remember, it is a tit for tat agreement, give what you want to receive; if you want love, give it, if you want affection, give it, if you want understanding, give it. If you only take, without giving, you will never truly be satiated or happy.

Here are the articles I read:
http://healthland.time.com/2013/12/17/extreme-marriage-experiment-suggests-its-better-to-be-right-than-happy/
http://www.relationshipspecialists.com/media/being-right-vs-being-happy/

My opinion? It is not necessarily better for one side or the other, but balancing it.

Until next time,
K