25.3.2014-3.4.2014 Not all cracks are bad.

Hello, all.
I hope this fares you well. Today, I received news that will change my future. Surprisingly enough, when I heard the news, as negative as it may have been, I released a sigh of relief. Why?
Because I have been given a major green light to something I have been needing to do for a while: Moving out.

To make the long story shorter, it's been something on my mind for a while. I hadn't been in the healthiest environment for my development, so I was looking for a way to move forward. By not being the "healthiest," I mean that I wasn't feeling progressive, really just stuck in an "in-between" kind of stage. My friend put it in such good words

"It gives me a so-called excuse not to fully engage with the present moment, and I find myself looking more so ahead to the future. Putting all of my eggs into the basket of the future, which is made of smoke and mirrors."

In reality, this is exactly what I had been doing, with my social life. I inform people that I cannot go out on most nights because if have an "obligation," being that I have been playing nanny and babysitter to my cousin, teaching him to prepare himself for bed, reading to him every night, and waking him on on school days. Albeit, it is a legitimate excuse...to an extent. The extent is that this is not my child, and he is not truly my responsibility. The background reason of my efforts had been focused on not getting verbally mauled by an abrasively clueless egoist, while also trying to alleviate the woman putting up with him. Children should never be used as blame. They really shouldn't because they aren't cognitively developed enough to fully understand dynamics: social, consequential, etc. Back to the topic, I have been halting my person agenda of progressive development in business, in addition self-discovery, in order to appease someone who lost my respect after a month of my stay with them. I had been doing this to survive, but I felt far from living.
Although I am waiting for the moment for things to fall in place, I am feeling more motivated to work on the goals I had originally set; I'm going to need to commit in order to truly learn self-sufficiency and what I'm made of.
Now, to the nitty gritty of it, there is still the fear of leaving the unfamiliar because this will be the first time that I will officially be living on my own: no roommates, no family, no animals. For a (hopefully) short time, I may actually be the only tenant in my building. The hardest part, I think, about living on my own will be that I have to take on full responsibility for everything: rent, water and electric charges, maintenance (of self and of my living space), activities that I would like to partake in, and work. Luckily, I have a head start about taking on my work as a responsibility

                  The Communication....

The Transportation

The Work itself

While I had been typing this, I just received pictures, check them out!

A Walk-in View

All in all, it is pretty awesome. Even if there isn't a kitchen in the apartment. If you look at the window, that building is my workplace. I am sold. 

Now, all I need to do is make my list of "homie" things:

• desk lamp
• welcome mat
• table chair (or stool)
• alarm clock
• linens

Not too shabby, sir, not too shabby.

Until next time (aka my post that will hopefully be made in the next couple of hours...),

K.

17-12-2013 Adventures on the Emotional Rollercoaster

Hello, all.

As some of you may know, I am no stranger to traveling, or living in new places. Now that I can say that I have resided in a foreign country, I am now not so much a stranger to the abroad living, and with living abroad comes some side effects that may not be perceived as so pleasant. 

First of all, you are not surrounded by close friends or family Surrounded by or a two, if not four-hour drive away from someone you feel comfortable being yourself with. That is, unless you are studying abroad with fellow students who also speak and understand your native language. This automatically cuts down on your level of comfort, because your ability to communicate with others with ease has been (mostly voluntarily) taken away from you. 85% of the time I enjoy trying to speak with others in my language, while learning theirs, making a bit of language gumbo in the efforts of having a conversation. It's that other fifteen percent, where all I want to do is vent, or cry, or have a quick joke with somebody and not have to explain it because the metaphor or idiom is well-known between us, that is where I falter, my positive energy flickering as the confidence in my support is nigh.

It is not that the support is not there. How should I describe it? Okay, here: Think of a friend you hang out with, say, once to a few times a week. Now, talk to them through emails and text for a while, but do not talk to them in the real world. Do this for a month. Actually, see how long you can do it for. Try it, and you may notice a shift in your relationship, because the psychological chemicals exchanged when you spend time with them aren't there; you aren't hearing their voice, or how their speech pattern flows, the humor in their voice when they tell a joke, the emotions active on their face as they talk about activities in their life and the frustrations ,and joys they encounter. This, and vice versa. Yes, the base communication is there, but what makes you feel comfortable is not. Like the Harlowe's study.

And with this infrequent support, we become more dependent on it, just like brand name merchandise: the less there is of it, and less attainable, the greater the desire for it. 

Also, with the support not as available, this makes room for more self-doubt, in terms of self, abilities, joy, ability to achieve love. 

Here's something to consider: if you feel this way, you need to look inside yourself and ask why and where you feel self doubt. It may be difficult, but if you are able to look at where you are, and the how-to's, you might be able to find a way out of the slump you found yourself in. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but, the first step in making a recovery, and improving oneself is to identify what it is that is causing problems, and then create possible solutions.

For example, I had been doubting my ability in teaching, some of it was doubt supplied to me by others, and those seeds planted and sown, began to grow in my mind, my own self-doubt fueling the growth. I reached a point where I saw that I had to stop thinking this way, because it wasn't doing me any good. FIRST PROBLEM IDENTIFIED. 

Second problem: I had gotten lazy

• I made excuses like, "I don't know where to start," "What do I need to teach?" "How am I going to teach them?" "When do I come in" <-- This alone put the responsibility on someone else, so I realized that I had to make myself responsible, using more sayings like "This is when I am free, choose the time" or "I need to teach..." "It's time to start, and if I do not know where, start at the beginning of it all:the basics."
• Instead of getting creative, and developing and listing ideas, I distracted myself with unproductive activities, like catching up on tv shows... 
• ...and movies

Third problem: I dawdled 

• Look at above listings: reliance on others to set up my appointments rather than being proactive about it
• not self-promoting
• looking at facebook and how well other people were doing.

Fourth problem: I focused on other people than myself

• I wanted to get what they had and grew envious without thinking about how they got there
• Jealousy made me lazier and more negative in my outlook on things
• I tried to make my time for other people in order to please them, but they were not returning the efforts.

Now, as you may see, none of the above actions I had been taken were driving me forward, and it will take me some time to try to change my habits, but (and that's a bit but) I have made the first step in progress by addressing the issue.

Notes on my transition into not only a better mindset, but my taking action of it, will be recorded.

I would like to leave you with a quote that brought me some motivation, and that holding onto the negative and my shortcomings of the todays are of little value; each day brings new adventures and are always a beginning to something, if not another day.

With a new day comes new strengths and new thoughts.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Until next time,
K.