26.08.2015- Long Overdue Updates

To those who have been trying to check for updates, thank you and many apologies for a long hiatus.

It's been about six months, which means it's been quite a while since my last post, and many things have changed.
Also, I've made a bit of a bad habit of writing drafts, but not successfully posting them. Let's just say, I haven't been making complete thoughts, or following through.

The basic updates since my last post:

• I witnessed two weddings, both small and quiet enough. Both of couples who had been together for at least five years.
• I chopped off a good amount of hair to donate to Locks of Love, for the second time in my life.
• I went to Europe

The one-week detour taken through Europe was fantastic. Most of the trip was quite amazing, to be honest. Unfortunately, I have not so many pictures from the trip because I misplaced my phone one magical night in Cologne, Germany. If I were asked if I would make a return trip, I would say; 'HELL YES" as calmly as my body could contain it.
These were the cities I visited, chronologically:

1) Berlin, Germany 3 nights
2) Cologne, Germany 1 night
3) Paris, France, 3 nights
4) Amsterdam, Netherlands 1 night

In each city.... except Paris, I would say I had an adventure. Adding on to the thrill was managing to stay warm, because in Thailand, there is no need for cold-weather clothes, so I wasn't going to bring many winter clothes for one week.
Nonetheless, I traveled by myself and managed to survive. For someone who still doesn't know how taxes work, and has quite a lot of dependence on her mother for adulthood questions, it was a major feat.... a milestone, one would say.

Many of the activities I did were last minute. Things like... Finding some historic museums, going to an underground funk-hiphop show after trying to fix my lights, getting lost in a city to find my way back, celebrating "Man's Day" with complete strangers. Finding transportation to different cities and booking a room the day before I would arrive. I was living on the edge, maybe.

I even had a chance encounter that made me think of a certain shirt saying.:

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"

Why did I think this? Easy, I was at a café in Amsterdam, eating an apple pancake, when I saw a beautiful young man walk by the window. I watched him curiously. five minutes later, he returned to the café and came inside to eat.
After I finished my breakfast, I left, and started walked across a bridge. On the other side of the bridge, this same boy(pardon me, I'm so used to saying boy, because I'm not used to saying man, unless they look much older than me) was on the other side, walking towards the bridge. We made eye contact, but it wasn't only that. We made solid eye contact that made it obvious that we were looking at each other, turning heads, uncertain of who would make the first move to talk to the other. Sadly, we passed by each other and went our opposite directions. I couldn't help but be reminded of a poem which I heard, but long ago forgotten the title, about how a man was in love with a girl, but he never once spoke to her, for the fear of ruining is idea of her. Then again, it posed the question of: "What if one of us had spoken to the other? Would our perception change, or would we be just as enamored?" Many what ifs were thought, but if one believes in the way the world is and acts, chance encounters will always happen, and if this one random stranger and I were to meet again, it will happen.


Ah, I encountered quite a few people, and what a mix it was: pleasant, wild people, pesky hoverers, and the infamous multi-faceted ones who give one impression of themselves, and turn into something else completely unexpected. That's the way the world can be and as an acting piece in it, one must handle it and move on.

Now, back in Thailand, and after being back at work for a few months already, I've been getting into the grind of things. I moved into a slightly larger home that offered more comforts, figured out a transportation method to and from work, and picked up a few extra side jobs to make the extra income. In addition to that, I've been making more travel plans and developing more of a social life outside of my work friends or, rather, outside the bubble of a town I've been living in.

In doing that, it did open my perspective of how I had been living my life here so far: I had been limiting myself in making friends and enjoying myself because I didn't think I could survive outside of this comfort zone. I made excuses to why I couldn't go out... because of lack of transportation, but I also couldn't leave town because of the appointments I had every weekend, I was depending on them, even though quite a few were less than dependable, canceling last minute, more often than not.
And they payment wasn't so regular. So, lesson learned: payment must be received at the end of every appointment, or paid in advance so that any time wasted wouldn't be a monetary loss.
Of course, someone told me that contracts like that scare Thai people, and frankly, those are the people you don't want to do business with. Wa-HOO.

Not that it is already past the half-year mark, another things must be taken in to consider: the looming of the decision to be made of renewing my contract or not. On one hand, I could stay, and maybe my contract will be renewed. On the other, it may not.
This is one big decision I have yet to concrete. The decision to move. Lately, this thing has been growing heavier and heavier on my plate of things to do because the pros and cons must be weighed out. The problem I have? I'm not finding so many cons, besides leaving the people I know here, and maybe not finding a job. That being said, job opportunities happen to be quite plentiful in general for foreigners, so is that really a problem? It seems that I have more motivation to move, but the weight of guilt to stay and I think that, if my only reason of staying in the town is because I would feel guilty if I left, I probably shouldn't be staying anyways.


Ah, the decisions of being an adult abroad. Thanks for reading.

Until next time,
K.

2.1.2015: Beach Adventures, Don't Get Board (pun intended)

Hello, all,
Whoa! It's officially not February (and hasn't been for a good 10 or 11 days, depending on where you are located).
Let's get to it: the last weekend of January, even if things didn't go exactly as planned (when would they anyways?) This is a much delayed post. Oh, well

At first, I was a little worried that things were going to run downhill, the way the pre-travel adventures went. Thankfully, time was not so much of the essence as it was relative.
In a gist, and it did indeed occur in threes:

• In addition to my 10:30AM appointment being 30 minutes early, my 15-minute drive back  from the appointment took triple the time due to the most granny-esque driver I've dealt with. (this counts as one because it was the same person) quite funny, actually.
• I just barely missed a songtauw(truck version of a bus) after rushing in and out of my apartment to catch it.
• I almost was unable to buy my fun juice for the weekend.

Now, all that being said, the windows happened to crack open for each door closed:

• I arrived to my apartment in a safe manner
• a second song taew came up about 2 minutes after the first one drove off
• I managed to explain how there must've been too much confusion, thus getting the merchandised purchased.

Plus, my friend and I arrived just in time for the last group of Paddleboarding. I must say, paddleboarding is one tricky thing. There were many aspects to consider with this activity. For one, you have to be able to balanced on an unstable surface, in addition to the instability, there is the added challenge of the constant in-out flow of the ocean. There was lots of slipping and falling, but in the end, everyone was able to stand on the board at least once. Of course, what's the fun of trying to paddleboard sans the wipouts? Those were the best. Everyone had their own style of wipeout, too.

Let's just say, some of us have stories to bring back with us from that weekend. The school we used  also provides surfing lessons, and gave us our troupe a heads up about the typical surf-year. The main point was: if we want to experience good surf weather, come out just before monsoon season, when the ocean is active.

I'm going to guess that some of us will be out and about trying to catch some "gnarly" waves!




A for the rest of the evening, calmed down pretty quickly, with music and food. And a "surprise" pouring rain for thirty minutes or so.

The next day, most people had already dispersed, but our crew met some more people, making friends and eating lunch together at an Indian restaurant, (YUM).


Interesting, or not, it was a great weekend, where I learned more about the friends I've been making.

Until next time,
K.

Story:I Knew That if I Didn't Get Out Now, I wouldn't Survive

NOTE TO READER: Just a story from a dream. Though it could be relatable to anybody.

 “I would love to have dinner with you tonight.”

This was the response I received after suggesting going to dinner with him after two weeks of not seeing each other. Part of me was excited, but another part of me was worried. How do I look? Have I changed much in the last two weeks?  I know I’ve been really stressed, searching for a new apartment, preparing for my upcoming trip home next month… dear god, my skin is freaking out!

But, I must push these concerns to the back of my mind because this isn’t about me and how I look, but about dinner, and catching up. He said he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. When we first met, he spoke softly and sweetly, and we had chemistry. He was gorgeous and a little bit weird. I thought it was cute at the time, and he got me excited. It was two weeks of attraction before he flew to his home country for a two week holiday.

We agreed to have dinner, and I would go home because I had to get ready for work the next day, and I had other plans. I told him that I would finish and go home at 10 o’clock.

We meet at lobby of his hotel, to walk to a restaurant outside to eat. We have a casual conversation about, well, nothing. All the normal: How was your flight? How was your visit home? I’m doing okay, just busy.

"Yes, so we’ll go and eat dinner, and have some drinks, and go back to my place and have sex."

Wait, what?

I look over at him to see if I really heard what I thought. He laughs, so I did, but I’m not sure if he’s joking. I give a playful response, because I’m not sure how to react.

“That’s a bit presumptuous, don’t you think?” He smiles.

He asks me about my day, and I say “Well, I worked since 8 today, so I’m a bit tired, but I had a good day. I’ve been looking for a new place to move into after I come back. I’ve also been preparing for my trip back to the country.”

He responds, commenting on my schedule, that I’m busy, maybe a bit too busy. He says that he wishes I wasn’t so busy so that we could see each other more often, more spur of the moment and by appointment. I tell him that spur-of-the-moment meetings don’t come with ease.

Then he murmurs to himself “you have too many rules.” I’m not sure if he meant for me to hear or not, but the concerns I had from before started to float to the front of my mind.

“Hey, don’t worry, I just miss you and I want you to have a good time. I just feel like you may not because you don’t seem very relaxed.”

“Oh, I’m always like this, but I just have a lot to think about”

He shrugs and nods as we continue to walk.

We reach the restaurant and are seated. He tells me what he wants and insists that we get 2 plates of chicken wings, one for me, one for him, although I tell him that I don’t need a large amount of food if I can’t eat it all. I order what he wants, soup to share (making sure it is not spicy since he doesn’t eat spicy food), and some stir fry vegetables, since I can speak enough of the language here to get what I want. He orders two Heinekens. We clink our glass mugs, and after we sip, he speaks.

“That’s the first time you’ve made eye contact with me today”

Again, I am confused, having looked at him, and conversed, and apparently I hadn’t made eye contact with him? What is he talking about?

As if he read my mind, he responds “I like looking at your eyes.” Well, I suppose that is a sweet gesture. I’m starting to get a weird feeling, though, as if a stone were in my stomach.

The chicken wings arrive and, by his recommendation, I try one. The soup I ordered to share comes, but he says he doesn’t want it. Well, then, I want chilies, and you can have the chicken, this is a lot of soup. I ask for some, and we chat.

His friend calls, and he asks if he can join us. “Of course! That’s not a problem” five minutes later his friend, and the vegetables arrive, and we are all chatting. The weight in my stomach eases up a bit as I spoon in my (now) spicy and sour soup. We talk about food, driving, work, the people here, and other monotonous yet information aspects of where we are. My dates tries to show me off, talking about how I can read and speak the local language here, and occasionally the two speak in their native tongue while I sit and watch. Occasionally, I would look over at him while his friend is talking, and he would wink at me. That could just be a weird eye twitch, though. Still, that stone in my stomach has come back.

I start to feel tired, and I know that my friends are waiting for me. I check my phone, it’s 9:30PM.  My dinner date asks me what time it is. “9:30, we should get going soon.”

He frowns “Really? Can’t you stay maybe an hour more?”

I return the frown, because didn’t we agree that I would go at 10? So I repeat what I had said before, but his expression doesn’t change.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I want to go at 10”

“Ok.”

His friend calmly sits, and says “I’m ready to go home.” At that, we get the bill, and they get a driver to take me home, us sharing the SUV. We pass by his hotel as the driver takes me home, my dinner date and I sharing the back seat.

He looks at me deeply and asks me “Are you sure you want to go home now?” I nod. He takes my hand, caressing it, and then leans in to whisper something in my ear.

“You destroyed my evening.”

That was when I felt the stone, no longer a slight pressure, but a heavy pull, as it doubled my weight.

I can’t do this. The concerns I had weren’t about me, but about us, and why it wouldn’t work. The weight of the stone was growing each time some fault of mine was brought up. Even as he tried to reason to make what he said better, I knew that everything else was going to be about what I did wrong to him.

“I had a surprise for you.” It doesn’t matter, we agreed on a time that I would go, and you made your expectations without my acknowledgement.

“I wanted to just spend time being with you” You have been spending time.

“I never get to see you” I have a work schedule that often goes into the late evening, I told you.

“It’s not about sex” No, it’s not. It’s about control.

Thoughts: I'm not Alone! Singlehood, AKA " Four Reasons to Why I'm Single"

Hello all,
So, I know that you're reading this bit, and I bet you're thinking that I'm going to rag on other people and why they all suck and blah, blah, blah... Or maybe I'm going to start blaming the Internet and other technological apparatuses for the "lack of connection."

Eh, I might do a little bit of ragging, and a little bit of blaming, but really? I don't attribute these as my sole reasons to why I'm not making reservations for a party of two.

First, let me get the "ragging" out of the way. Sure, technology has made it easier to contact other, yet the contact is quite disconnected in communicating with someone in a way that makes it easier to see people not as people. Sure, many of us are desensitized to the dangers of the public nature of the internet, and how that can break someone's reputation, in the hands of the wrong person. Of course, people nowadays are really into the "hookup generation," where commitment is relative, and nobody wants to label anything for the fear that they might actually have a relationship going on, and think they will have a nuclear-explosion of an ending.

But that's not why I'm not in a relationship of that sort.

I suppose that one of the reasons, when I think about it, is that yes, I'm emotionally unavailable, by what the internet claims.
Really (<--CLICK HERE!)
The way I see it isn't that I'm emotionally unavailable, but more preoccupied with other things in my life.

Funny enough, these are the top five questions you get in Thailand:
1)Where are you from? ("Where you from?")
2) How long have you been in Thailand? ("How long you stay in Thailand?")
3) Do you have a boyfriend? ("You have boyfriend?")
4) Why did you come to Thailand? ("Why you come Thailand?")
5) Can you eat spicy food?/ Do you like Thai food?

Top five, no joke. If you are a foreign girl visiting Thailand, I guarantee that you will be asked this question, and every time I get asked, I cringe inside, because I don't know how to explain the reason in a way that they understand. This is my typical response.

Thai Woman: "You have boyfriend?"
Me:                 "No"
Thai Woman: "Why?"
Me:                 "I don't have time"

This usually works, but the thing that makes me cringe is the question "why."  I think a lot of people can agree to that feeling, because of the subtext of the ominous question. Anytime someone asks why, really. It's the subtle way of judgement, like "What's wrong with you?/ What's your defect?/ How can you stand being single?/etc."

It's really not about what's the matter with me, or what's wrong with guys, but about what things we are looking for in life right now, and where our focuses lie. Often, my priorities are nowhere near that of another person's, which leads to incompatibility.

Now, to the meat and potatoes. Aka "Why I'm Single"
1) My priorities: I know I have mentioned it before, but it is true. my priorities typically run like this

1. My health
2. My sanity
3. My work
4. My family
5. My living space
6. My social life

The majority of these priorities are about me. It's not being self-centered. It's because I'm taking care of one person, me, so I must address my needs first.

2) My schedule: My schedule, as many people in my life know, is busy. I normally work 6 days a week, having private appointments, making time to exercise. It's a miracle when I can fit in 3 meals in my day.

3) My tolerance: When it comes to family, I try to be tolerant. When it comes to friends, I'm a bit less tolerant in who I spend my time with. When it comes to a significant other, I'm even less tolerant. It sounds weird, but I have the luxury to choose my friends, and the person I date (with the exception that they choose me in return). I want to make sure I can handle being around them for long periods of time. This has a strong dependency on:

• their respect of me
• their respect of my time
• their respect of themselves

It, you see, has a strong dependency on how they treat themselves and others

4) My apathy: towards relationships. I just have no real emotion about moving into them.

So, in general, yes, I am the key to whether I get into a relationship with someone or not, but I put my reasoning, not into that I'm against guys, and they suck. (they really don't) but the combination of what's going on in my life, and how that is taken by others. Reason four isn't really much of a reason, it's more like a filler. In all honesty, if I feel that I could be in a relationship with someone, and they seem to reciprocate, I do make the effort to make the time (they just have to make the effort to understand and respect).

A general amount of thoughts.
K.

9.3.2015: Speculating the last year or so

Hello all,
As many of the people who have read this know, I've been in Thailand for well over a year (more like a year and a half!) and I have been enjoying it, with the occasional speed bump or two.

I've learned that time is not the major concern of many of the people here, where being a little bit late to things is not the end of the world. I've learned that communication can be extremely difficult, but if you slow it down, take it calmly, and use your whole body as an instrument, it makes it easier. I've also learned that this isn't always true, because one party of the conversation is non-receptive to the signals you send.
I've learned that once you get over the hump of "this is really difficult" and keep trying to learn, it will happen; it's like a dam, you keep adding on the pressure, and the effort, building more and more, and that wall eventually has to let something through.

I've learned that, although many of the staff I have taught are scared of speaking this foreign language, they can warm up, and show their efforts through another medium.
I also learned  to promote and encourage students to come speak to me, even if I'm working (and I don't want to be interrupted) because it helps them to try more frequently.

Most importantly, I've learned that progress happens; sometimes it's almost instantaneous, sometimes it's as slow as plate tectonics, but it is, and you are getting somewhere. Don't lose hope.

About the other things: I remember one person telling me that I would miss home and my country. I also remember me responding with "Yeah, but I've been away from 'home' since I was 18, because I went too school." Her response: "And that was only a few hours away from home, Thailand isn't."

I look back on that and here I am, thinking "Yeah, I haven't gotten that huge wave of nostalgia yet, just the bits and pieces."
Now, thought, as the time to return to my home country creeps closer, the homesick feelings are also magnifying. Maybe it is the fact that the access I was used to is going to come back to me, the friends I haven't seen face-to-face are going to be in slapping distance. Well, I'm not suggesting that I really might hit them, eh, maybe I am. It's all out of love and my "oddities."

If you didn't pick up on it, I'm the old guy.

In Thailand, I haven't traveled as much as I'd like, but I haven't not traveled as much as I haven't liked, either. Luckily, with the friends I recently made, traveling becomes more of a probability than a hopeful possibility.
Isn't that a funny thing, though? For me, I have been making excuses to travel by myself, mostly because I work. I find that I travel more frequently (locally) by myself when I don't have someone else relying on me. When I have friends involved, I more frequently travel long-distances.

Before I get too far off track in my thoughts, I shall stop here for now.

Until next time,
K.

27-1-2015: The New Year

Nimaan Road Market Expo

Hello there,
If this is your first visit, welcome! Wilkommen! ยินดีต้อนรับ! ("Yin-Dee-Dohn-rahb. If this isn't, well, hello again.)

Being away from something, it seems, can be both a relief and a reason to feel guilty. It's a relief because it lightens the (self-created) load, but it brings on the guilt because there is that nagging thought in your mind: "You should've been able to keep up, why didn't you?"

Again, I've been away from this, not sharing all of the adventures I've had, but at the same time, I've been trying to make adventures happen. So far, I have had a few, and I have made an agenda to have even more. This year, I will do way too much in too little time, wearing a smile-grimace, haHA! It's one thing to talk about the goals I have and the things I want to do, but it's a totally different ballpark when I actually make the motions towards doing those things. It may be a hit, it may be a miss, but at least it's something and I can say I did it without a tinge of remorse for lying. (Not that I would lie about the place I have or have not been to before...)
As a way to try to improve myself, I decided to take action on a few things.

1. I signed up for an online course in Financial Literacy
2. I started a 30-Day Yoga Challenge
3. I have set plans for at least one exciting/big event for each month until June
4. I picked up a class to start learning German (Yes, I'm still trying to learn Swedish and Russian, but I'm taking a few steps back from them in order to try focusing on only one language at a time)

Looking at this, I am starting to recognize the Mind-Body-Spirit connection in which I had been slacking on. I was consuming myself with work, and losing the joy and motivation in doing it, as well as feeling a little out of place, falling into more and more slumps. There was always an excuse to not go out, and by the time going out actually happened (which took an immense amount time's notice to plan said outing), it would be a major disappointment. The joy of going out became null, the joy of working was wearing down, and I was losing overall energy to do anything. Obviously, this was doing no good for anyone: me, my work, or my friends. I knew this wasn't depression, but I was letting my environment affect me negatively, and that was something I could control. The choice was mine to whether I would keep letting it do that to me, or not.

Now, looking back on the past few months. If one were to ask me about how I celebrated the holidays, they would need to remember that 1) I wasn't in the US and 2) many of the people are Buddhist. You would be surprised to how many people asked me if people in Thailand celebrated Thanksgiving (*cough* AMERICAN HOLIDAY). Honestly, that's like asking someone from the United States celebrated Songkran (the Thai New Year) or the French Independence Day. Most people in Thailand don't even know what Thanksgiving is. Well, actually, a few do, and what they know is that a lot of food is eaten.... because that's what a lot of their teachers inform them (many teachers are not from the US, and they teach what they know about the US culture, which is really funny, and somewhat true).

So, back to the topic of celebrating the holidays, I didn't really celebrate them in any big way because there aren't many people to celebrate them with, that understand the importance of the holiday, per se. That is, until recently. I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, but I did celebrate Christmas and the New Year in a quiet manner. About two months ago, I met some long-term foreigners, and although as a traveler, we must expand our horizons, we do take comfort in some of the familiarity, particularly then someone speaks your language, or the shared feeling of humorous discomfort when you are lost and have no idea how to explain yourself, or what you want, through the exchange of personal anecdotes. "hashtag" #beentheredonethat.

It's funny how foreigners often flock together, but at the same time, it makes sense to be attracted to something that brings you comfort. For example, I have a tendency to eat chocolate. Not every day, but it does occur every month. I'm sure that, when I'm back in the United States, I will be drawn into any place that sells pizza or pasta. It doesn't help that I haven't had a good serving of either of these dishes for quite some time. Just a few of the minor things I miss.
Speaking of things I miss, Tex-Mex is totally one of those, but I encountered some on one of my trips. On seeing this, I couldn't help myself but say: "WE ARE GOING THERE." It may have been a little dramatic, but a girl's gotta get what a girl's gotta get: her tacos and burritos!

On our way!

Now, let's talk about the travels of late. I finally experienced Chiang Mai, and it did not disappoint. Based on all the talk of "cold weather" by the Thai people, I expected it to be in the 60s (Fahrenheit). It wasn't. It was more like the high 70's-85 degree weather.  The trip itself was exhilarating and busy! I attended my first Thai wedding, the after party, a temple in the mountains, ate lunch at a reservoir (that involved eating live shrimp), got a great city view while eating dinner with friends, and visited the infamous Sunday night Walking street (a long road that becomes crowded with many markets and people every Sunday). Pictures should say a thousand words, so let's see how many words and describe these:

View from the Temple

Butterfly Pea Sweet Milk

I should mention that coffee in this area (Chiang Mai) reminded me much of home, in the presentation and the concept of getting fancy. Espresso art unforgotten.

Historical Wall around the city

We visited a gorgeous hotel, Dhara Dhevi, which my friend used to work at and it was a trip on its own. This included gorging on desserts from a pastry shop, which appeared to be run by a French pastry chef.

Pastries

TukTuk

Rainbows

Now that the New year has passed, I shall update everyone of the fate of my future here in Thailand. As of December of 2014, I have been informed that my contract at my current workplace has been extended. This means that I will remain in Thailand for another year (until February 2016). I am more than excited to continue my journey here; I look forward to the next few years learning, and finding new adventures abroad and new friends all over the world.

Until next time (whenever that shall be),
K.