5.1.2020

Hello all,

It's been a long while since I've last even looked at my posts, much less attempted to write a new one. Here it goes.
It's a new year and the start of a new decade and so much has happened to you, to me, to the entire world since 2017. So, where do I begin?

How about 2017, the CliffNotes:

• I changed jobs
• I changed cites
• Donald Trump was sworn into office to play the role of the President of the United States
• I visited new countries (South Korea, Laos) and made a visit to the US
•  ...and new cities (Pai, Khao Yai)
•  made new friends, as well as ended some.
• I ate food.
• I began a new hobby
• My mom came to visit for Christmas and got herself into a motorbike accident

2018

• Continued the same job, then moved up to teaching an older group
• Visited another country (Cambodia)
• Removed the pins and plates from my ankle after the break in 2016
• Began thinking about my career path and what I'd like to do with it.
• Met people that I still talk to today
• Dyed my hair for the first time
• Enjoyed the pleasure of being "off-putting"
• Met many a Gemini

2019

• Continued the same job, now with a better idea, but the same level of stress
• Visited countries (Malaysia, Portugal)
• Found out the reason I was losing my mind
• Visited new places in Thailand (Koh Phayam)
• Had a visit from my mom again, and again she got herself in a motorbike accident
• Began a diet to start taking better care of myself
• Started on a new business venture
• Had a major "end of year" boost of confidence

Now that that's been summed up, let's take a peak at 2020

Where will it go? I'm not sure. I'd like to see how my current developments play out. At this exact moment that I write, I don't feel the odd ego boost that I had only a couple weeks ago, and I have a feel it's due to a combination of jet-lag and not being on my normal regimen. I'd say it will take a few weeks for myself to re-balance and get back on the saddle mentally, but for now, it looks like it may be a quiet period.

Until Next Time...

K

3-5-2017- My, How Time Flies

Hello all,

Again, I've been inactive in making a post, but that doesn't mean I've been doing the same in my life.

So far, I have a couple major updates:
1) I changed jobs in January.
2) with said job-change, I also moved to another city

Now that's out of the way, let's talk about what's been happening since... let's say December.

My old job, teaching adult staff in a hospital English pertaining to the hospital, as well as business and conversational English, it was a great position. I loved spending time working hands-on with my students when I taught, doing roleplay activities, making jokes that they understood, and getting to know about each one on and off the clock. My students seemed to share affection to me as well, giving a respectful bow, also known as a wai (I can explain this later in a post about Thai culture that I've learned). The issue I had, though, was that although the students were excited to call me their teacher, many failed to consistently come into class to learn, and therefore made little or no progress. There were also a few students that obviously showed no motivation to try learning, but it was a very small number. Going back to my students, how did this affect my work? Well, I would report to my higher-ups, about the progress we were making, and if I couldn't show progress, it would make no sense to keep me on the payroll, from a business perspective. I'm not saying that I was only a number to my bosses; in fact, we had strategic meetings to discuss a plan for the next year: what tactics to take, what worked last year, and what didn't, but we both understood that neither of us wanted to waste time or money on something that may be ineffective. That can be the downside of a job where both client and employee are both responsible for the end result.
In addition to the steady decline at my work, I began to feel a bit isolated in the town I lived. Yes, I had friends, but many of them had begun to get involved in more things outside of the friendship, so my friends clusters were dissipating. It was getting to be lonely and I found myself more frequently visiting the city I now reside in, going from one weekend a month, to every weekend.
In November, a shining opportunity happened: a friend of mine decided she wanted to go back to the United States, leaving a job opening at her work. She apparently thought of me first for this position, and sent me to her boss for an interview. A week later, interview in and out, and it felt like a perfect fit. The principal even felt that it was more than fortunate that I had been sent her way on short notice. As soon as I received the offer, I gave in my 30-days notice to my former work, explaining that as much as I loved the job, I wasn't seeing the progress I wanted to make happen, at work or in my personal development, and we split amicably. This also was perfect timing, because it was just around that time that my contract and visa would be renewed, and I saved the effort of going through the hassle of paperwork.
Looking back, do I miss it? Absolutely, but that is just a stage in my life I can reminisce about for now, as I'm working towards the future.

Now, with the new job, I will have to admit, the paperwork process has been a bit tricky, (It's different when you change a job from renewing a visa with  the same job) I had to leave the country for a few days to apply for my new Non-Immigrant B visa so that I could apply for a new work permit (which allows me to have a bank account here), and continue living in Thailand. Though it's been a little bit difficult, I successfully cleared these hurdles, and still am working in the Land of Smiles! Four months in and my outlook on how things are going has improved drastically.
No longer am I feeling homesick., and my thirst for new adventures has been re-energized!

Until next time,
K.

17.10.2016 Being Led A-stray

Hello all,

So, although it has been a very long time since my last post, I find this a pertinent time to make a post, with all the events that have recently happened.

As much of the worlds had become aware, His Majesty Bhumibol Adulyadej, passed away on the 13th of this month, and it has cast a dark, dark cloud over this wonderful county. you can see masses of people adorned in black, white, or other solemn colors as you walk about the city of Bangkok, or even the local Tesco Lotus.
Now, I'm sure many people are aware of the role the King had in Thailand, but really don't understand the extent of how important he was to the people. Myself being a foreigner, I am not as knowledgeable about the history, but I do know that in the eyes of the people, he was and is the emblem of Thailand. Living here for three years and counting has given me a bit more perspective on
the live and respect held for him. And with the respect, when the news made its announcement, I did not feel nothing. In fact, the best way I could describe the feeling would be as if something stole the breath from you.

As for the effects of his passing, the country of Thailand is holding a 30-day mourning period. What this means, as many have read, is that activities in Thailand have quieted down, especially the party scene. Many events that were scheduled to the 13th of November have been either cancelled or postponed. Since I had bought tickets to two separate events, I can feel that effect, but I didn't feel as disappointed as quite a few foreigners coming to Thailand.  
In fact, quite a few seem to be quite disgruntled about the situation, claiming it ruined their holiday. Article can be found here:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3838673/Western-tourists-complain-death-Thai-king-spoilt-holidays-nightlife-shut-month.html

As much as I understand the disappointment of coming to a country for holiday and plans being cancelled, that kind of response to this situation is utterly disrespectful. Life is not all about parties and getting drunk. That, and there will always be another party. 

Besides the hushing of nightlife, and sea of black, there hasn't been too much change in this country. So, for any foreigners planning to visit in the next year, don't be too worried, just be respectful. You may see people wearing black ribbons or armbands as well as their clothing, and it just means they are in mourning, but life will be normal.

With this going on in Thailand, there also have been misfortunes back home. One of my college friends lost her youngest sister just days before the the King of Thailand. Losing one of your family is always hard, and even more difficult if they are younger then you, or your progeny. One quote resonates within my memory:

They say when a parent dies, a child feels his own mortality. But when a child dies, it's immortality that a parent loses. 

Yes, I did pull the quote from American Horror Story, but that does not make it any less relevant or powerful. In this case, many of the people in Thailand probably feel their own mortality as the Father of Thailand has passed on, and the mother of my friend losing one of her own,

In other news, of last week, on Tuesday, the 11th, was my first encounter with a dog behind my home. At first, I was terrified because he was blocking my way home, but then I saw that he wasn't walking well, and he did not seem okay, overall. Possible victim of a car accident. I did manage to contact a dog rescue group to come help him and was fortunate to have them come pick him up to get the medical care he needs. I even made public posts to Facebook and Instagram to garner attention and, hopefully, some donations. Oddly enough, out of all my Instagram posts, this one definitely gained the most attention. I am not one familiar with having more than 20 or so likes, but here, I got over 100. Weird things. Maybe I should start posting more pictures of dogs I see everywhere.

For those interested in seeing the post, and possibly giving a donation, here you go!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLpjSl8BKDX/

In all honesty, many unfortunate things have happened last week, one has to hope that there will be a shift in balance of the world's fortunes.

But for now, I will see what the future has in store. 

Until next time,

K.

1.4.2016 Time to make a Post... or Is It?

To all,

It's been ages, I get it. I suck at posting. I quite enjoy talking to myself, let's get real about it, since that's what I've mostly been doing anyways.

Now, let's get down to the nitty gritty of updates. I haven't been paying attention, because at this point it's unnecessary.
Since my last post: I traveled a bit, the Kanchanaburi, to Chiang Mai, to Pattaya, and a lot of Bangkok. Reasons? I jumped into the dating pool last year, and at the beginning, pulled on a rope to get out.

About personal life, I share it enough, and I find no reason not to follow routine, but I'll make it short an sweet, because who has time for that? It was a decent thing going on, lasted a total of 6 months, was goo for the first 3 months, but crumbled more with each month following. Compatibility wasn't there, we wanted different things, and neither of us were willing to bend for the other, as much as our words said it. We tried talking it out, multiple times, (every month, in fact), but by the end of the year, there really was nothing left to build up on. I realized how much anger and resentment I was holding on to, which lasted for maybe 2 and a half months. The thought of them gave me anxiety, stress, anger, and talking about them made me flustered and ruffled. Around this moment, I have less of those feelings, and maybe that's a sign of me moving on.

Now, onto other personal stuff! Lately, I've been trying to improve my life, health, emotion, business, and such. I started working out regularly, improving my eating habits, picking up more private work, as well as working in the development of my educational program for where I work, as I've had another renewal of my contract, and it's gone through!.

On the topic of working out, there was one problem looming over my head: my schedule. my normal work day runs 8AM-8PM, including my private work, so imagine how that affectd my capability to work out! Well, lo and behold, a solution: wake up at 5AM, start exercise around 5:30, come back and shower, and peace off to work. Difficult to start? ABSOLUTELY. But it soon became manageable. It became moreso once I started seeing result: less exhaustion throughout the day, better mood, less waking up throughout the night.... the list could go on. Am I going to give it up? Not any time soon. It's still tough, especially if I have a long night, but it's working for me. Plus, I get to eat more fun stuff, and see some nice muscle tone. I don't know about you, but I'm looking towards some legs, stomach, arms, and butt. In the lyrics of that Meghan Trainor song, "I'm all about that bass!"

On the topic of diet, well, I started getting on the breakfast train. Since I was waking up early enough to exercise, that also gave me more time to start preparing my own breakfast. One of the things I was looking at was how to make a good meal that would sustain me until noon, or 4-5PM when I had enough time to eat the next meal. Well, turns out that the answer was chia seed! You know, those tiny things that almost look like poppy seeds? And then you water them, and they expand, and are kind of crunchy and jelly-ish? Yeah, those. Let's just say, they work as well for yoghurt as they do for most other liquids. Chia seeds, probiotic yogurt, flax seed/meal, and the guest fruit whenever I have some fresh fruit (from my private students, they love to feed me ;D ). There's one hearty meal! That, or a using oatmeal instead of yogurt, when I'm feeling for a hot breakfast. Both kept me full for a good amount of the day, and helped with my digestion. (Who can object to having good digestion?) I used to be quite bloated and uncomfortable throughout the day, but now that's settled out. The only thing is that consistency is KEY; if I forget to make this breakfast for two days, maybe even one, it's a noticeable change to how I feel, not to mention my mood. Now, about the yogurt, that's a tricky thing, as a lot of food in thailand has wayyyyyy too much sugar. Thankfully, there is a yogurt product called "Butterfly" Probiotic Yogurt.

(pulled from Supermarketthai)

And let's say, it's an interesting thing. It's a lot thicker than many drinkable yogurts I've had, and not very sweet. Not only is it not too sweet, there are a few otions (Original, low fat, low fat/lowsugar, Vanilla, Chocolate) for a price of 38THB, which is about $1.05 USD. not entirely a shabby price when we're talking about benefits! Whenever I see it in stock at one of the markets (FamilyMart, one of the only locations in Rayong, if I don't want to travel to Bangkok just for my specialty shopping).

On to the next topic: work. That's had its high and lows. but you've just got to roll with the punches. New concept: trial groups, each group has a set of students that must be... consistent, so that success can be measured. More materials will be made for students, workbooks, mini pocketbooks. The downside is that they would only get about 13 hours of lessons, not my personal preference, but again, work with what you get. We'll see how it works!

And... on to my last topic, I finally got a motorbike, (well, it's a loaner for now), and it's been interesting. After more than 2 years of living in a place that has poor public transportation, I fiiiiinally got this bike. Should I mention that it's a manual gear shift contraption? Yeah, and I've been learning how to drive it. It's an interesting thing, because the first step is trying to get over my fear of being on a motorbike (well, driving one, a scarring memory of when I was 8 and learning how to drive a minibike), and that of the drivers in Thailand. They are super crazy... no consideration of ow driving works, or traffic laws. So far, so good.. and safe-ish. For now. The snazzy thing? I have a helmet to match with the color of the bike. Not too shabby. can't say I don't know how to accessorize. This isn't the firt time, as I have a pair of shoes that match my phone.... unintentional, of course, as was the helmet, bike combo.

As for the social life, I had been going to Bangkok more frequently, met a bunch of new friends, been spending more time with older ones, and really getting more into my old groove of being a social butterfly. I haven't realized how much I've missed it until lately, when I've met a lot of amazing people. And my schedule has turned from a clean slate to a little open space. Cool stuff. Of course, it does take a little bit of a toll on my bank account, so I need to get back onto the budgeteering. Good thing for private classes, and putting a nicer price on my work.

Now, back to the thing I call life. It's Friday, and I've got nothing planned, for once... except relaxation, learning how to drive, preaparing for my first test group, which starts on Monday! 

I think, soon, I will start posting progress about my exercise and health progress, in addition to work. Who needs to know about my social life? It's already awesome.

Until next time,

K.

26.08.2015- Long Overdue Updates

To those who have been trying to check for updates, thank you and many apologies for a long hiatus.

It's been about six months, which means it's been quite a while since my last post, and many things have changed.
Also, I've made a bit of a bad habit of writing drafts, but not successfully posting them. Let's just say, I haven't been making complete thoughts, or following through.

The basic updates since my last post:

• I witnessed two weddings, both small and quiet enough. Both of couples who had been together for at least five years.
• I chopped off a good amount of hair to donate to Locks of Love, for the second time in my life.
• I went to Europe

The one-week detour taken through Europe was fantastic. Most of the trip was quite amazing, to be honest. Unfortunately, I have not so many pictures from the trip because I misplaced my phone one magical night in Cologne, Germany. If I were asked if I would make a return trip, I would say; 'HELL YES" as calmly as my body could contain it.
These were the cities I visited, chronologically:

1) Berlin, Germany 3 nights
2) Cologne, Germany 1 night
3) Paris, France, 3 nights
4) Amsterdam, Netherlands 1 night

In each city.... except Paris, I would say I had an adventure. Adding on to the thrill was managing to stay warm, because in Thailand, there is no need for cold-weather clothes, so I wasn't going to bring many winter clothes for one week.
Nonetheless, I traveled by myself and managed to survive. For someone who still doesn't know how taxes work, and has quite a lot of dependence on her mother for adulthood questions, it was a major feat.... a milestone, one would say.

Many of the activities I did were last minute. Things like... Finding some historic museums, going to an underground funk-hiphop show after trying to fix my lights, getting lost in a city to find my way back, celebrating "Man's Day" with complete strangers. Finding transportation to different cities and booking a room the day before I would arrive. I was living on the edge, maybe.

I even had a chance encounter that made me think of a certain shirt saying.:

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"

Why did I think this? Easy, I was at a café in Amsterdam, eating an apple pancake, when I saw a beautiful young man walk by the window. I watched him curiously. five minutes later, he returned to the café and came inside to eat.
After I finished my breakfast, I left, and started walked across a bridge. On the other side of the bridge, this same boy(pardon me, I'm so used to saying boy, because I'm not used to saying man, unless they look much older than me) was on the other side, walking towards the bridge. We made eye contact, but it wasn't only that. We made solid eye contact that made it obvious that we were looking at each other, turning heads, uncertain of who would make the first move to talk to the other. Sadly, we passed by each other and went our opposite directions. I couldn't help but be reminded of a poem which I heard, but long ago forgotten the title, about how a man was in love with a girl, but he never once spoke to her, for the fear of ruining is idea of her. Then again, it posed the question of: "What if one of us had spoken to the other? Would our perception change, or would we be just as enamored?" Many what ifs were thought, but if one believes in the way the world is and acts, chance encounters will always happen, and if this one random stranger and I were to meet again, it will happen.


Ah, I encountered quite a few people, and what a mix it was: pleasant, wild people, pesky hoverers, and the infamous multi-faceted ones who give one impression of themselves, and turn into something else completely unexpected. That's the way the world can be and as an acting piece in it, one must handle it and move on.

Now, back in Thailand, and after being back at work for a few months already, I've been getting into the grind of things. I moved into a slightly larger home that offered more comforts, figured out a transportation method to and from work, and picked up a few extra side jobs to make the extra income. In addition to that, I've been making more travel plans and developing more of a social life outside of my work friends or, rather, outside the bubble of a town I've been living in.

In doing that, it did open my perspective of how I had been living my life here so far: I had been limiting myself in making friends and enjoying myself because I didn't think I could survive outside of this comfort zone. I made excuses to why I couldn't go out... because of lack of transportation, but I also couldn't leave town because of the appointments I had every weekend, I was depending on them, even though quite a few were less than dependable, canceling last minute, more often than not.
And they payment wasn't so regular. So, lesson learned: payment must be received at the end of every appointment, or paid in advance so that any time wasted wouldn't be a monetary loss.
Of course, someone told me that contracts like that scare Thai people, and frankly, those are the people you don't want to do business with. Wa-HOO.

Not that it is already past the half-year mark, another things must be taken in to consider: the looming of the decision to be made of renewing my contract or not. On one hand, I could stay, and maybe my contract will be renewed. On the other, it may not.
This is one big decision I have yet to concrete. The decision to move. Lately, this thing has been growing heavier and heavier on my plate of things to do because the pros and cons must be weighed out. The problem I have? I'm not finding so many cons, besides leaving the people I know here, and maybe not finding a job. That being said, job opportunities happen to be quite plentiful in general for foreigners, so is that really a problem? It seems that I have more motivation to move, but the weight of guilt to stay and I think that, if my only reason of staying in the town is because I would feel guilty if I left, I probably shouldn't be staying anyways.


Ah, the decisions of being an adult abroad. Thanks for reading.

Until next time,
K.

2.1.2015: Beach Adventures, Don't Get Board (pun intended)

Hello, all,
Whoa! It's officially not February (and hasn't been for a good 10 or 11 days, depending on where you are located).
Let's get to it: the last weekend of January, even if things didn't go exactly as planned (when would they anyways?) This is a much delayed post. Oh, well

At first, I was a little worried that things were going to run downhill, the way the pre-travel adventures went. Thankfully, time was not so much of the essence as it was relative.
In a gist, and it did indeed occur in threes:

• In addition to my 10:30AM appointment being 30 minutes early, my 15-minute drive back  from the appointment took triple the time due to the most granny-esque driver I've dealt with. (this counts as one because it was the same person) quite funny, actually.
• I just barely missed a songtauw(truck version of a bus) after rushing in and out of my apartment to catch it.
• I almost was unable to buy my fun juice for the weekend.

Now, all that being said, the windows happened to crack open for each door closed:

• I arrived to my apartment in a safe manner
• a second song taew came up about 2 minutes after the first one drove off
• I managed to explain how there must've been too much confusion, thus getting the merchandised purchased.

Plus, my friend and I arrived just in time for the last group of Paddleboarding. I must say, paddleboarding is one tricky thing. There were many aspects to consider with this activity. For one, you have to be able to balanced on an unstable surface, in addition to the instability, there is the added challenge of the constant in-out flow of the ocean. There was lots of slipping and falling, but in the end, everyone was able to stand on the board at least once. Of course, what's the fun of trying to paddleboard sans the wipouts? Those were the best. Everyone had their own style of wipeout, too.

Let's just say, some of us have stories to bring back with us from that weekend. The school we used  also provides surfing lessons, and gave us our troupe a heads up about the typical surf-year. The main point was: if we want to experience good surf weather, come out just before monsoon season, when the ocean is active.

I'm going to guess that some of us will be out and about trying to catch some "gnarly" waves!




A for the rest of the evening, calmed down pretty quickly, with music and food. And a "surprise" pouring rain for thirty minutes or so.

The next day, most people had already dispersed, but our crew met some more people, making friends and eating lunch together at an Indian restaurant, (YUM).


Interesting, or not, it was a great weekend, where I learned more about the friends I've been making.

Until next time,
K.

Story:I Knew That if I Didn't Get Out Now, I wouldn't Survive

NOTE TO READER: Just a story from a dream. Though it could be relatable to anybody.

 “I would love to have dinner with you tonight.”

This was the response I received after suggesting going to dinner with him after two weeks of not seeing each other. Part of me was excited, but another part of me was worried. How do I look? Have I changed much in the last two weeks?  I know I’ve been really stressed, searching for a new apartment, preparing for my upcoming trip home next month… dear god, my skin is freaking out!

But, I must push these concerns to the back of my mind because this isn’t about me and how I look, but about dinner, and catching up. He said he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. When we first met, he spoke softly and sweetly, and we had chemistry. He was gorgeous and a little bit weird. I thought it was cute at the time, and he got me excited. It was two weeks of attraction before he flew to his home country for a two week holiday.

We agreed to have dinner, and I would go home because I had to get ready for work the next day, and I had other plans. I told him that I would finish and go home at 10 o’clock.

We meet at lobby of his hotel, to walk to a restaurant outside to eat. We have a casual conversation about, well, nothing. All the normal: How was your flight? How was your visit home? I’m doing okay, just busy.

"Yes, so we’ll go and eat dinner, and have some drinks, and go back to my place and have sex."

Wait, what?

I look over at him to see if I really heard what I thought. He laughs, so I did, but I’m not sure if he’s joking. I give a playful response, because I’m not sure how to react.

“That’s a bit presumptuous, don’t you think?” He smiles.

He asks me about my day, and I say “Well, I worked since 8 today, so I’m a bit tired, but I had a good day. I’ve been looking for a new place to move into after I come back. I’ve also been preparing for my trip back to the country.”

He responds, commenting on my schedule, that I’m busy, maybe a bit too busy. He says that he wishes I wasn’t so busy so that we could see each other more often, more spur of the moment and by appointment. I tell him that spur-of-the-moment meetings don’t come with ease.

Then he murmurs to himself “you have too many rules.” I’m not sure if he meant for me to hear or not, but the concerns I had from before started to float to the front of my mind.

“Hey, don’t worry, I just miss you and I want you to have a good time. I just feel like you may not because you don’t seem very relaxed.”

“Oh, I’m always like this, but I just have a lot to think about”

He shrugs and nods as we continue to walk.

We reach the restaurant and are seated. He tells me what he wants and insists that we get 2 plates of chicken wings, one for me, one for him, although I tell him that I don’t need a large amount of food if I can’t eat it all. I order what he wants, soup to share (making sure it is not spicy since he doesn’t eat spicy food), and some stir fry vegetables, since I can speak enough of the language here to get what I want. He orders two Heinekens. We clink our glass mugs, and after we sip, he speaks.

“That’s the first time you’ve made eye contact with me today”

Again, I am confused, having looked at him, and conversed, and apparently I hadn’t made eye contact with him? What is he talking about?

As if he read my mind, he responds “I like looking at your eyes.” Well, I suppose that is a sweet gesture. I’m starting to get a weird feeling, though, as if a stone were in my stomach.

The chicken wings arrive and, by his recommendation, I try one. The soup I ordered to share comes, but he says he doesn’t want it. Well, then, I want chilies, and you can have the chicken, this is a lot of soup. I ask for some, and we chat.

His friend calls, and he asks if he can join us. “Of course! That’s not a problem” five minutes later his friend, and the vegetables arrive, and we are all chatting. The weight in my stomach eases up a bit as I spoon in my (now) spicy and sour soup. We talk about food, driving, work, the people here, and other monotonous yet information aspects of where we are. My dates tries to show me off, talking about how I can read and speak the local language here, and occasionally the two speak in their native tongue while I sit and watch. Occasionally, I would look over at him while his friend is talking, and he would wink at me. That could just be a weird eye twitch, though. Still, that stone in my stomach has come back.

I start to feel tired, and I know that my friends are waiting for me. I check my phone, it’s 9:30PM.  My dinner date asks me what time it is. “9:30, we should get going soon.”

He frowns “Really? Can’t you stay maybe an hour more?”

I return the frown, because didn’t we agree that I would go at 10? So I repeat what I had said before, but his expression doesn’t change.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I want to go at 10”

“Ok.”

His friend calmly sits, and says “I’m ready to go home.” At that, we get the bill, and they get a driver to take me home, us sharing the SUV. We pass by his hotel as the driver takes me home, my dinner date and I sharing the back seat.

He looks at me deeply and asks me “Are you sure you want to go home now?” I nod. He takes my hand, caressing it, and then leans in to whisper something in my ear.

“You destroyed my evening.”

That was when I felt the stone, no longer a slight pressure, but a heavy pull, as it doubled my weight.

I can’t do this. The concerns I had weren’t about me, but about us, and why it wouldn’t work. The weight of the stone was growing each time some fault of mine was brought up. Even as he tried to reason to make what he said better, I knew that everything else was going to be about what I did wrong to him.

“I had a surprise for you.” It doesn’t matter, we agreed on a time that I would go, and you made your expectations without my acknowledgement.

“I wanted to just spend time being with you” You have been spending time.

“I never get to see you” I have a work schedule that often goes into the late evening, I told you.

“It’s not about sex” No, it’s not. It’s about control.